The Hidden Drunk
by dev4lyf
Summary: During a game of hide and seek, Bella finds herself locked up in a treasure chest, then washed away to sea. In a series of catastrophicly retarded events, follow Bella into a journey that you will never forget! Hopefully...
1. Hide and Seek

"Ready or not, here I come!" Shouted Edward as he effortlessly flew through the forest, searching for his wife. "Bella! I'm serious, we mightn't get any sleep, but you can't hide from me forever, Emmett will be all jokes when he hears that we haven't had sex in three days."

But what Edward didn't know was this Bella was in quite a sticky situation. "Edward! Get me out of here!" Bella screeched, her voice no longer sweet as a vampire's voice should be, "I'm stuck in this treasure chest, let me out!"

Bella could hear loud thuds, resembling those of footsteps. They were obviously not Edward's, but she was much too intoxicated to tell the difference. "Help?!" and that was we think that Bella lost consciousness…

"Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?" some random voice woke Bella up, and she found herself with a meowing snail that called itself Garry. "Spongebob Squarepants!" Bella was extremely confused and hope that Edward would come and save her. But we all know he wouldn't because he cannot read Bella's mind.

"Who are you guys?" asked Bella, "Why can I breathe underwater?" Mind you, Bella is one stupid girl, who forgot she is a vampire that doesn't need to breathe. "Say it! Tell me how I can survive underwater," she demanded.

Garry was shocked at this imposter sleeping in his bed. "Meow," Which in snail language means 'cat noise'. "Meow, meow, meow," giggled Garry.

"Prrrtttt..." did Bella just fart? I think it might have been an anchor, slowly giving Bella a super sized wedgie that gave her raging libido syndrome. "Hello Mr. Pirate," said Bella as she greeted Captain Jack Sparrow, as he had saved her from drowning if she could drown that is.

"Why hello there white one, are you some kind of albino?" asked Jack, "I'm afraid the cannibals would enjoy eating someone as cold and well preserved as you."  
Bella chuckled, "eat me? I doubt they'd be able to cut me with a chainsaw," Jack was just a tad confused. "A chainsaw? What is a chainsaw, most cannibals like to just rip you apart with their spears, and I don't actually think I know what a chainsaw is!"

"But we sure do! It's kind of like shark teeth on a thing that spins, destroying everything in its path," announced the narrators. "Thanks," said Jack "So, kind of like a shark on steroids?" he guessed. "Yes, that's right," we said again.

"Who the fuck is that?" exclaimed Bella as she looked into the distance and saw two tiny figures with her immortal eyes. "I can't see nothing," said Jack. "Oh hello there Bella and Jack," said the two tiny figures, "we're the narrators of your adventure Bella, but you can just call us Belinda and Carlina."

We slowly walked up to Bella and Jack, and formally introduced ourselves of the authors of this parody style adventure. "Sometime we like chicken to talk random seesaw and the oak leaf went malteasers to the sausage and out of stapler who saw rotten egg in the night of la push," said Carlina, and I don't think she was totally aware that she was in public. Oh yeah, and although Carlina is also a narrator to this story, she seems a tad out of it so I (Belinda), will take over from here.


	2. Jiminy Cricket

As Carlina rambled on to herself and the equally drunken Jack Sparrow about chickens and see-saws, Bella turned around, and walked to the other side of the ship. Giving me one last dirty look, she dived into the sea, though what she didn't realise was that we had shipwrecked on a random beach somehow. Carlina screamed as Jack threw up, and with a click of my fingers, we once again became invisible voices of very irritating narrators.

Bella wound up on a piece of ice. She had no idea how she got there, because one second she was swimming and the next second she popped up in the middle of fucking Antarctica, for God's sake! And standing on top of the nearest iceberg was a giant pitcher of Cool Aid! It thrusted its pelvis around for some reason, before falling off.

"What the hell did I eat last night?" she asked herself, before she fell off the piece of ice into a large bucket.

She floated all the way to the beach where the Black Pearl had shipwrecked on.

"Ooookayyy...?" she asked herself, before realising that she was dressed up as a peacock.

"I AM THE WALRUS!" shouted a voice that echoed through her ears.

"Who are you and why am I dressed up as a peacock?" Bella asked, now weirded out.

"I'm Jiminy Cricket... or your conscience. I'm also drunk." the voice replied. Bella looked around, wondering where this Jiminy Cricket was. Said cricket fell out of the sky.

"Hiiiiii thur, matey! How is you?" the cricket asked, pulling his top hat off of his eyes.

"I'm not good." Bella replied back. After watching the cricket writhe around on the ground for no reason, she walked off.

Still dressed as a peacock, Bella found an abandoned city. Dogs ran around everywhere.

"Yummy! Dog blood!" she screamed, stumbling after them. Her peacock suit did not allow her to run around very easily, which was strange because vampires run very easily in most circumstances. I don't imagine they would be able to run in quicksand or tar, but-

"Who the fuck is still talking??" Bella asked, stopping dead in her tracks.

"The narrators!!!" Carlina and I shouted in unison, annoyed. Bella continued on her merry way, until a dog walked right in front of her, singing (it was a very good singer, but in a really weird circumstance.):

'_He's a tramp, but they love him,_

_Breaks a new heart, every day_

_He's a tramp, they adore him,_

_And I only wish he'll stay that way.'_

"What the FUCK? Dogs can't sing?!" Bella shouted incredulously. The dog in return, jumped up and kicked her in the face. Bella kicked it up the ass, sending it over skyscrapers and other buildings. Then a Ranga walked in. Bella looked at him, confused.

"Why don't you go fuck yourself, Bella? That's right, I've been there!" he said, before walking off. Meanwhile, I was burning sugar for some reason, and so Carlina snatched the apparatus used for narrating. (For commercial purpose, it's called an rgfewkjgrklewf™) So she will take the wheel again from here, or so to speak.


	3. Rape in Cair Paravel

Ah, yes. I would certainly be taking the wheel from here, but I just hope that I'm on the right ship. It looks kind of like the black pearl, but I can smell wet dog and sugar. "Sound's like the right boat darl," said Belinda, who I presume was high on glucose at the time.

"Why are you people still here? I thought you disappeared when she clicked her fingers!" said a frustrated Bella, annoyed by the presence of us narrating her adventure.

"Come on guy's help me up," said a course high-pitched voice coming from the side of the ship, "over here, at the port side of the ship."  
"Which side is that again?" Bella, Belinda and I said in a harmonious tone.  
"I don't know, just follow the voice!" said the voice again. We found where the voice was coming from, and he looked strangely like an oompa loompa, but with red fox-like hair instead of the green grease filled do's they would usually have. "The name's Trumpkin," said Trumpkin as he introduced himself. "I'm a dwarf; one of the old Narnian's forced into hiding by Miraz's law." Trumpkin went into detail about his kind, but you can always just find out more by reading or watching Prince Caspian, now a hit Walt Disney film! "Oh shut up would you Carlina, I'm trying to tell my story," said Trumpkin. So with a dive into the crystal clear waters, Belinda and I yet again became the voices of irritating narrators.

"But Carlina," said Belinda, a tad annoyed, "I wasn't finished eating my sugar-" I cut her off. "No need for that nonsense you hyper man, just let Trumpkin get back to his story."

"Going on," said Trumpkin, "I went in the water for a bath, when I got washed away by the currents and fond myself here."

"That explains the lack of clothes," said Bella, and when she pointed that out Belinda and I began to wonder why we hadn't realised the dwarf was nude.  
"Oh, about that," said Trumpkin, "anyone got a towel or something?"  
This was when Bella's everlasting drunk got her into these awfully dreaded situations. "No need Trumpky-pie," said Bella, raising her left brow, making her look like an even drunker prostitute on her way out of the playboy mansion, "I like you just the way you are." Then I closed my eyes and hoped she wouldn't do what I think she was about to do. But you decide from what sound entered the ears of Belinda and I.

"Come here Trumpkin," said Bella, her voice high pitched and extremely squeaky. "Do I have a choice," said Trumpkin, attempting to make his voice deeper and fiercer than before. I couldn't tell whether her was trying to be defensive, or if he was leading Bella on. "You know you want to, I'm a vampire; we are the best at everything," said Bella, as seductively as possible in her current situation. Then, I heard one of the mast move, and I promptly tuned out.

When I tuned back in again, it seemed to me we had just passed the ruins of Cair Paravel and we're heading towards the lost city of Atlantis.


	4. The Joys of Atlantis

In Atlantis we were; which was strange, because it kind of looked a tad like Paris. Everyone was speaking French, and there was a midget Eifel Tower directly west, in front of the sun. It was also quite odd that Bella was now dressed in a ball gown, and she seemed to be driving a limousine, rather than the Black Pearl. I'm not exactly sure she was still underwater, it was hard to tell; because as voices of irritating narrators, when there are no bubbles, the question is 'is it air, or is it a bubble-less sea?'.

"Hey loner chick!" said a two faced man. And when I say two faced, he literally had two faces. It was really weird.

"What! Who are you? You have a face like fucking Minimus on Atomic Betty!" screeched Bella.

"Ho Ho No." chuckled the two faced man. "I'm the Mayor of Halloween town!"

"Where's Halloween town?" Bella asked, her anger fading to curiosity for a while. Carlina smiled at me while my hyperactivity suddenly began to boil. Bella took one look at me- the one word I could place for her mood was fear, except it wasn't normal fear, it was the kind of fear which you used when someone that was freakishly obsessed was around and you were weighing the possibilities of them tap dancing naked on the very top of The Statue of Liberty.

"_HALLOWEEN TOWN?!?!_" I cried. Bella began to back away, until Carlina used her skillz of aweshomenuzzzzz™ to freeze the vampire to the spot. Even the Mayor began to look a little frightened, edging away just slightly, while motioning to us with his tiny hand.

"Erm... it's right this way, ladies." he informed us, walking towards the forest which had popped up out of nowhere in the watery patch of air (the substance which surrounded us was still debateable in the subject of what exactly it was). Bella floated along behind us, looking longingly back at the limousine which revved invitingly in the distance. Quiet moans of satisfaction also came to our ears.

"Never let Bella near any naked male again." Carlina said suddenly. Bella smiled sadistically. The Mayor fell over in surprise.

"You what?" I asked my co-narrator. She nodded.

"You heard me!"

"I didn't let Trumpkin onto the ship- I was on a sugar high!"

"Exactly!"

"**Oh, would you both just shut up?! Neither of you are doing a good job as narrators anyway!" **a voice cut in.

"Who the fuck is talking now?" Bella cried. Carlina and I shrugged in unison as the Mayor of Halloween Town led us ever so closer towards the Hinterland Forest...


End file.
